mother to none, sage to all
how i became a mentor by accident
so much has happened my heart grew more than I ever thought it could. and that’s saying a lot since mothers day AND my fathers birthday party was in may yet not a single thing can take away from the upswing my life has been in.
daze recorded a My Bloody Valentine cover, we played a packed show that ended up serendipitously working out for us with the whole of Houston having no power BUT our venue did AND WITH working ac, and I saw slowdive live. wow.
I did go see my ama on mother’s day, I was so sleep deprived I didn’t process anything nor did I care to. all I heard was ramblings about my best friend being pregnant and when I will have child and I didn’t even react. is this the power of therapy ? or is this running on 3 hours of sleep after working a 8 hours shift? who’s to say? whatever it is felt like it postponed my bad mood for days. it was bliss. even when I was not enjoying myself at my fathers party I still could care less.
im truly the biggest advocate for mental health professionals. they really know what the hell they are doing and make you triple think your own thinking habits. its actually great.
June started with a BANG. we released a song with our new label Neon Bloodbath Records and it ended up surpassing all of our expectations. we were in shock to see such a jump in listeners and followers and overall new fans. being number one on multiple pages and websites for releases of the week made me smile so big. I even had people text me to congratulate me. that’s wild.
“the flowers are coming for you nikki”
shortly after that we played a show on a Tuesday that was PACKED just a couple days before my 32nd birthday. these kids made me smile so goddamn hard.
“I feel really seen and my emotions have space to feel once again”
”Your songs hitting me deep. had me dreaming of people I use to be friends with. I miss the memories. feels very nostalgic, im guessing that was your type of vibe inpso since you got that cancer rising in you”
”nikki i’ve been looking up to you for so many years. as a fellow shoegaze obsessor. where do I start my guitar journey?”
I never thought in a million years id have young women and femmes coming up to me and telling me these things. I never thought id become a crone or a sage. a mentor to young people in music. to become the old head. and i feel so comfortable in this role. i love the enthusiasm of youth and the vigor of women and femmes who want to take up space. we deserve to tell our stories and talk about our emotions and create music and share it. i will cherish the moments I speak to a young kid at the table asking me for a free sticker. there needs to be more role models and im being pushed into this new position in the scene and im secretly loving it ( not a secret anymore ).
now we plan for the next 6 months of the year. this summer will continue to be busy since we have 2 more singles to release AND the MBV cover. its such good timing.
but it's not timing, its the whole suffering ive put towards becoming seen and heard that got me here. it’s having a new guitarist who helps me and doesn’t stop me. its my husband listening to me complain about the things that take up too much space in my brain. its the fact I work 7 days a week and try my hardest to be kind to every single person. this is beyond karma. it feels like reparations.
so well see how things go, with this new mindset im having. its not even a mindset, i’m literally just proud of myself for the first time in my adult life and it took me having to let go of shit that doesn’t serve me to get here.
everyday im going through something. HELL, right now im working through this upper respiratory virus I got the day after my birthday but hey, shit happens. I haven’t been sick in years so it was bound to happen. either way I still have more memories to run through and process and the music will make you feel that way too.